I started offering adult dance classes in February. It is the first step, well the first physical step (don’t want to discredit the vision board) in the journey of having a movement/community space within the next few years. It is the first time in my life as a choreographer that I was not working with the same song over a 6 month learning and rehearsal period for the non-profit dance company I belong to, Where the Lines Overlap. In the past, the music choice would kind of “choose me” in one way or another. I’d feel a full body yes after listing to a song and had the thought of, “oh my God I HAVE to bring this vision to life!” Or I’d have a song recommended to me by the late director which was a very different feeling. Those recommendations were always a “wow this is painful to listen to. This message is important. It is my duty to share this message with my art”.

Throughout the 6 month choreo process, I’d get stumped choreography wise during a particular part of the song or I’d go from loving the song to hating the song, I’d have moments where I’d want to quit followed by reassuring myself it will work out. I’d have final showcases where I felt so confident in my art work and others where I cringed while watching its final form on stage. It was a long time working with a song and that length gave space for a rollercoaster of emotions that reflect the rollercoaster of life.

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This 6 month period also gave space for the dancers to move through their own rollercoaster while working with the song. Dancers may cognitively understand the song at first but it may take a few rehearsals for them to viscerally start to allow that emotion to come forward. I have witnessed and experienced this kind of rollercoaster, too. Listening to the song and crying on the way to rehearsal, not wanting to go to rehearsal because you know that song triggers you just fr the next rehearsal to not effect you at all. Feeling contracted and mechanical when first learning the choreography versus finally surrendering into the painful story by show time.

This is my favorite part of choreographing. A lot of us dancers grew up learning to simply perform the story on stage, but over the past few years I’ve seen women allow themselves to embody it and tie their own stories into it which provides a raw and real piece of art work to be seen, a type of “leave your heart on the dance floor” statement that can be extremely transformative emotionally and energetically for the dancers AND moving and triggering for the audience members.

But now, with these weekly classes, I’m working with a different song and create different choreography every single week two times over (Contemporary AND Jazz Funk). It’s been an interesting experience with the music in particular. I don’t have the space to necessarily be “moved” by a random song I happen to be listing to. I need two songs to create to every single week. Clicking through as I drive to work or listening in the background at work, I am on a search most weeks for songs that I can “see” the choreography to. So far the criteria of the songs I’ve chosen have been: 1. I feel connected to it personally (multiple are some of my favorite songs ever) 2. They’re songs I think other people could interpret and feel into since they’re touching on an emotion everyone has experienced in their own way AND 3. The song pushes the dancers out of their comfort zone a bit. So the song is still something that speaks to me and that I can feel in my body but instead of using the entire song and “telling the story” with it, we are using a short clip of the song and the focus is zoomed into the feelings they get to bring forward during that 1 minute of movement.

Witnessing the dancers who attend the weekly classes is such a joy. There are people who have no prior professional training in dance, there are others who haven’t danced since high school and other choreographers. The pressure of having the choreography be clean for a performance takes a lot of pressure off and actually encourages people to just have fun, to put their own spin on improv parts and to shake off the inner perfectionist. I can see when people are uncomfortable moving in a certain way (us women and our hips), but I believe normalizing it in that space will break that quickly. I’ve seen the inner desire to choreograph emerge for some people, the courage to be a beginner shine through in others, I’ve felt the inner frustration bubbling in some. Again, this is where the classes become more than just a dance class. They’re a space for women to meet themselves where they’re at. It can feel confronting, but it is ultimately a gift.

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I do believe that if one isn’t used to dancing or learning choreography that getting into the emotional aspect of it is unrealistic. There’s definitely an invitation there but with time restraint and thinking about what the physical body is doing, the emotional piece is an after thought. To encourage some level of connection to themselves, I’ve decided to start classes with a few minutes of finding the breath, finding the heart beat, leaning into presence and setting an intention for our time together. If I wanted the emotional aspect to be front and center, I’d lean more into improv or embodiment classes which are definitely coming in the future.

The last thing I’ve noticed with this more frequent choreography process: I normally don’t choreograph until the night before class which gives me plenty of time to find music but the funniest thing has happened multiple times now. I’ll be set on a song, turn it on to choreograph and feel absolutely nothing. So last minute, I’ll change the song. And those last minute songs are found through old playlist archives from years ago, from watching my own improv reels on instagram or from a random dance video discovered while stress-induced doom scrolling. There is a quickness to it. I don’t give myself the room to overthink it, I just choose and go. This has allowed me to have that “fuck it lets throw paint at the wall and see what sticks” kind of creative process and some really fun choreography has come out of it!

If you’re a choreographer, I’d love to hear about your observations and experience while teaching within different environments and time lengths. If you’re a dancer and youre looking for choreo classes on Long Island, please feel free to contact me. I’d absolutely love to dance with you! Until then, I’d like to share a list of songs I’ve used in the weekly classes thus far:

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Contemporary

Sailor Song- Gigi Perez

It’s Called: Freefall- Paris Paloma

FORWARD- James Blake, Beyonce

The Louve- Lorde

Something in the Orange- Zach Bryan

Jazz Funk

Bad Girls- M.I.A

Man I Need- Olivia Dean

Rude Boy- Rihanna

My Kink is Karma- Chappell Roan

Just a Girl- No Doubt

I wish I could get inside my mom’s head throughout this entire wedding planning journey, but being her only daughter, she has very clearly shown me her unwavering love gesture after gesture. So, I guess I don’t have to.

Her devotion to carry over the tradition of paying for the dress just as her mother did for her.

The expression on her face as we toured the venue we would be celebrating our love in.

Her fierce advocacy for me to receive the moments, the invitations, the details that I have been dreaming of for my whole life.

Watching her push down her emotions when the tears behind her eyes well after we tell her about the wedding song and father/daughter song choices.

Her taking the reigns of the bridal shower and delivering something so on point with my personality, something so carefully and thoughtfully curated….

Her helping hands when she already has a full plate of her own.

She never stopped being the fire sign mom and I know she never will be. And I guess witnessing this kind of relentless love still, at the age of 31, leaves me incredibly tender.

I was having a discussion with my fiancé, Emil about a week ago and the theme of “why me?” came up. He was bringing forward a feeling I know all too well myself. Why does God favor me, why does He favor us?

The human brain wants an answer to the why. The human brain wants to doubt His love, wants to doubt His deliverance of unconditionally love wrapped blessings. But I’ve learned that what may be harder and so much more rewarding is to feel into the level of abundance and love that comes toward us. To actually work on opening your heart up enough to receive it and be enrobed in gratitude once you do.

The whole wedding planning process has been an absolute roller coaster- From moments of wanting to literally cancel everything and just elope, to sitting on the couch crying together out of sheer excitement to marry one another to the pressure of a timeline to the many opinions of everyone on every matter, but here’s the deal.

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The clear unraveling of a deeper love all around, far outweighs any stress. Getting to feel and experience the love of my mother is better than the last time. It keeps getting more rich, more beautiful, more precious than I ever could have imagined. The journey of coming into true union with Emil is something I didn’t know happened as one prepares for marriage. It is just…. It is confirmation time and time again that we are so deeply loved beyond our comprehension. That there is an unseen network holding you and shifting for your highest and best along side what you see in this 3D lifetime.

I don’t necessarily need to end with a reminder but I like to because thats how this network of human connection works, right? One person writes something that flips your perspective and therefore, helps shift your reality into something more beautiful.

If you’re moving into union, working to open your heart more to give and receive more in life, if you find yourself asking “why me?” anytime a blessing comes toward you, lead with gratitude. Thank you, God. This three word prayer will get you so much farther than any kind of rumination in your mind. Thank you God. Thank you, mom. Thank you, my beloved.

Sometimes landing in love is harder than pushing it away. Facing the fear to open up will always be well worth it.

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It’s been a minute since I’ve written. It seems like my life has exploded in potentially all the best ways. I’m definitely not at the finish line but a light has been shown on some clear stones to step on and stepping on those stones is stretching me in a way that is humbling and challenging and God-led. Just like I knew it would be after declaring my life to co-create with source but it looks and feels different living it compared to just knowing it.

I get these big bursts of stretching. Stretching myself by putting in the time. By following three really important bread crumb trails at the same time. By asking the hard question, by checking in with my body and not only my mind, by communicating in ways that are direct but also make my anxious by witnessing the scared little girl in me that wants to talk me out of it but who no longer has that kind of power over me.

I am constantly uncomfortable but that is my prayer. The discomfort invites me into my body, witnessing where I am still holding. The discomfort keeps me coming back to God. Pretending never did anything for me and it doesn’t do anything for anyone. It is sitting humbly in my deep deep humanness that has opened me up to having a heart-led goal so much bigger than myself and genuinely working toward it longer than I ever had for any other goal.

It feels like blooming and cracking at the same time. It has me saying “no” even though a part of me feels bad and saying “yes” with a part of me knowing that that “yes” is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my entire life. Yet, I follow.

With faith, the knowingness outweighs the fear. With faith, the action overrides the freeze.

So, if I don’t write often just know its not because I don’t want to. It seems every time I sit down, the words just pour out of me, but I have to prioritize where I’m putting my energy. This may be the biggest year of my life yet.

And if you can relate to the feelings described above, keep making your moves even if no one is watching, even if its in the quiet. Keep listening. You are protected. Light will continue to be shown.

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Its been a minute since I recommended some music, too so here’s a list of songs that have been hittin’ lately:

(I stopped using Spotify and switched to Tidal so all songs are shared on Youtube for easy access to all.)

Sailor Song- Gigi Perez

Escapism.- RAYE, 070 Shake

It’s A Man’s, Man’s, Man’s World- James Brown

Baba Hanuman- Shantala

..FEISTY- Fred again.., BIA

Bottle It Up- Sara Bareilles

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I’ve been making it a point to get outside even though its been snowy and cold here on Long Island. Usually, I am not one for Winter and we’ve had a decent amount of years with very little or no snow fall, but I cant believe I’m saying this…. I’m actually enjoying her winter-ness so far.

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I’ve been called to make offerings to the earth, to lay down on the cold ground and give her my vulnerabilities, give her myself, pains and all. She’s requested I bring rocks and metals after someone (I suspect a 4 legged babe) enjoyed the over ripe kiwis I left at the base of the trees. After my time laying and offering and chatting with mother earth, I’ll take a crispy walk around the property I live on. A lot of the time, when I walk, connect with nature and actually let myself be bored, things move through me.

This time around, in an early morning, quiet, gentle snow fall, it was a little, tiny story about a kiddo named Cory.

When you read this, I want you to imagine it as a children’s book. And let me know what you think? I don’t want to encourage kids to go outside in the snow without socks or in their slippers… but I was inspired by doing just that a few days ago! I was just too mystified by the magical snow fall; I had to get out in the snow ASAP! Maybe it wasn’t the most responsible decision but it was something that just happened after letting the childlike wonder lead. And in a world full of so much stimulation, so many rules and control, I pray that kids still get the space to be taken aback by something as magical as snow falling from the sky and let their excitement lead them.

Happy reading:

“Cory!,” her mother yelled
“Cocoa is ready!”

But she was too busy playing peek-a-boo with the eyes of the birch trees
and unveiling the green moss beneath the ground’s thin layer of snow with the heat of her bare hands

As she wandered sock-less in her slippers, she kept a mental list of all the things she loved about her yard
Fallen pinecones laying peacefully on their needle beds
Crisp, dried zinnia plants
The giant foot prints of the neighborhood turkeys indented into the snow

She played within the trees’ coverage
Tucking away from the fluff falling from the sky
Out into the magic with one step
back under its canopy with another

She scuffled just passed the abandoned ford pick up with the rusty hood
Gleefully kicking walnuts toward her favorite nook
Between two trees in the very corner of the property
Like a window to a dream
Her face pressed up on the fence as she glared out to thousands of acres of farm field 
Brushed perfectly with snow

“Cory!,” Her mother called louder.

She didn’t want to go in but her feet were cold 
Kicked snow soaked them about ten minutes ago
As she slowly began walking back home, the branches clunked inside the pines from the jays hopping along with her

Her fingers cramped
She really did have to go in now
But not before turning to her precious little nature world and thanking each creature
To the birds and the leaves
To the mushrooms and the trees
Thank you for holding me and being my friend

“Yes mama!,” Cory sang.
“I’ll be back after cocoa,”she whispered to the flakes falling on her eyebrows

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Over the past year or so I have had poems move through me. They just form in my head and I have to write them down where ever I find myself because they come through so quickly and powerfully. I absolutely love it.

This is the last poem that moved through me this year. I hope you enjoy it

Untitled
By Stephanie Visek

Trudging up the stairs
After a long days work
I slither through the door
Hang my skin on its hook

The crumpled scales smudged with pigment
The heels fall with a clunk
Untie the tight bun
Fling my glasses clear off

Peek my head around the corner
Like a flame to a moth
He’s sitting at the table
Like clinging crumbs to cloth

Slowly sludge on over
Transparent and sticky
Foreshadowing the clear but subtle
Poetic kind of “catch me”

His hand reaches for my neck
A paused moment before the pluck
Then his fingers touch me
 and the glue warms up

I let go
Liquify
Turn completely a muck
Now puddled in the crease of his flanneled button up

Splayed on the bench his lap
Dripping rhythmically to the floor
My bones they melted
From his gentle knowing paw

My truths
My needs
My struggles
They're shared
He holds and listens
Eyelids closing his stare

He melts then too
We’re a bipartite soup
We seep and soak
swirl and loop

Each others essence 
The comfort
To be deeply nourished
We spoon ourselves onto the hard waiting mattress

A rest like no other
Crossed limbs
Slow breathing
Our fleshy batteries slowly blinking

Morning has broken without a sound
Our scales have hardened since laying down
I slither to the kitchen
The smell of fresh coffee grounds

I replenish my senses
A small prayer
Cool water

Brushed teeth
Cleanse
Recolor
Preparing to leave the burrow

Take the skin from its hook
One last touch before entering the outer spiral
His warm butter palm
Pink scaled cheeks break into a smile

“I’ll miss you” I say
He echos with a smirk
Sliding down those stairs
Ahead of me a long days work

But I know I can give it my all
For he is waiting for that quiet crawl
Back up the stairs every night
To sink then swim in our numinous delight

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I, infamously, have an irrational fear of throwing up. Germs have always been a thing. I remember driving down to Disney World from New York in a mini van with the family when I was 10 and having to have the window cracked the whole 24 hour ride for the sake of air circulation because the stagnation would spike my anxiety. 

There are so many stories and ways of being that have been formulated from this fear. Covering my ears and closing my eyes if anyone got sick on tv shows, even if it was some stupid, comical one like Family Guy. Hearing stuffed sinuses on people and immediately holding my arms up in the shape of a “X” clearly but rudely telling them I don’t want to be around them because they’re sick. I’ve come to believe I have an iron stomach and believed that energy flowing backwards out of the body was just something my body didn’t do. Any unexpected wave of naseua was followed by a lightening strike of worry. Finding out I’d been in contact with someone who was sick a few days prior created a pit in my stomach for the next few days. I mean I’m not even afraid of death in the way I’m afraid of vomit.

But recently probably two weeks ago now I vowed my life to God. A statement I had been working up the courage to say for the last few months I finally said casually kneeling on my living room floor. 

And since then, my life has been completely different. I immediately got a cold which I was half expecting because I knew surrendering to his direction would initiate a letting go process. I knew I was being called to rest but truthfully didn’t really rest. It’s Christmas time. Between Christmas shopping, festive events, work and wrapping I was wired. Completely wrapped up (pun unintended) in the energy of giving giving giving even though I was clearly overextending. I filled my weekend with events and dance rehearsal, dance photos, and last minute meetings. Hitting the ground running or at least I thought so. 

Until I got hit with a wave of Nausea. Woken up in the middle of the night with my stomach on fire, sickening waves still present, I found myself camped out in the bathroom completely rejecting the possibility of getting sick again just after my cold last week. 

But the first one I reached out to shivering in that tiny, cold room was God. “God, hold me. Even here. Hold me”. Then my ego tried to talk me out of the possibility that I could ever, after years and years and years, throw up tonight. One of my worst nightmares. I fought the rollercoaster sensation up and down my throat for an hour. Tortured myself for an entire hour afraid to trust the process of nature, trust God and let go. 

I skimmed through all of the “what if” thoughts, all of the resistance, very aware that my claws of rejection were sunken in deep. And then this expression of God came forward in my head. He said, “we’ve been here before. We were actually just here gripping the distrust.” Then he asked, “when will you just let go?” So, right on cue, I let go.

Maybe this is TMI maybe it will turn you off but this was such an unexpected yet absolutely divine experience in this new faithfulness to God that I can’t help but share.

I know that being sick is a release. It is just your body picking up a germ yes, but also doing what it knows. Purging is sometimes needed and I had been resisting it for years and years. I had been holding onto old, dense energy, old unserving stories in my solar plexus and my throat for years and although I had done the energy healing, fascial work, meditation, breathwork, and parts work, my trust in God finally let me flush them out for good. 

After the big hoorah, I checked the time on my phone: 1:39 AM. My angel numbers blaring at me quite obviously, confirmation I was being held in a ritual of God’s hand. 

Like of course a fear and resistance that I’d been gripping fiercely for over two decades closed at 1:39 on the new moon of solstice weekend. Of course just a week before the closure of 2025 shedding is still loudly occurring in the name of the year of the snake, making room for a year that is going to probably be the most significant yet (getting married, new job path, being able to hold abundance responsibly).

Of course! So yeah, thank you God for doing what you have to do and thank God I am aware enough to hear the wisdom behind it this time around. 

Now, don’t get it twisted. I will be wearing a mask for like the rest of the winter because what the fuck my immune system needs some serious support AND it is really a beautiful thing to be able to look back to 20 years ago, 10 years ago, 4 years ago and see just how much I have changed for the better sick and all.

Whether it be to have more empathy and compassion for people who are feeling sick (I GET IT) or for those who are gripping their claws of resistance into Gods direction (I ALSO HEAVILY GET IT) I get to let go, be loving and be in the vibration of community and actual connectedness.

Like I’ve been learning over this 4 year long spiritual journey, most of the time you have to learn, feel and experience within self first, then you get to radiate all of that out into the world. Sometimes if not all the time, you have to do it even if you’re scared. A lot of the time you have to get to a point where surrendering is the only choice you have left and exactly what you need is just on the other side of that surrendering.

Sometimes the surrendering is leaving a job or a relationship. Sometimes it’s taking a massive risk that doesn’t make any sense to anyone but yourself. Sometimes it just means you have to throw up.

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There once was a girl who stood in the very center of a college campus and each year, every Spring she would call her mom and ask her if her major was really what she was meant to be doing. She was driven by a pilot of expectation. Fit the mold. Following her brain’s capacity and not her heart.

This same girl found herself stepping in brains in a forest, slightly scarred from the look on a traumatized 18 year old girl’s face. Coming face to face with what she had been feeling all along. That major wasn’t it. The desire for that path had split.

A few years later she’s standing in what used to be her living room denying the only person she’d been with for the last 10 years. The next day she’d pack up everything she’d owned, called her dad to come pick her up to move back home.

6 months later God told her this new person would be her husband.

From school, to job, to job, to entrepreneur she slithered along still trying to find where she belonged.

School again. This time she changed her perspective. Loved everything about it but the building it was taught in. Next direction? Turn inward.

She set onto a journey she couldn’t turn off of. Wide eyed, shaking, lots of crying but changing. She became a snake, a wanna-be mother, a guide, collaborator, a voice and a singer.

New friends came about. The kind that are deeper than ever. God given, soul bound, telepathic connection.

She went viral then invisible to all but her people.

She found a spot that she never would have expected, ended things she never could have imagined. She stopped trying to make sense of it because she learned there isn’t always meaning in the twirling, turning inner workings of co-creating.

She almost quit again… like eight different times but that journey she couldn’t turn off of kept her going on.

She received flashes forward to the future of her life. Future wife. Future moments that made her ugly cry.

The thoughts that had led her through the last 30 years had been sucked out of her nostrils, her hair pores, her ears.

She fought her damnedest to hold on to the thoughts but they were nowhere to be found.

She surrendered it all to the one who had always knew and landed back at the beginning completely anew.

It took a decade to truly learn how to open her heart, how to believe, how to live and well, live and let god.

It took a decade to clear the fog but that girl she’d do it all over again if that meant being right back here in the palm of His hand.

Mom, I feel like you infused feminine power into my being just from the music you chose to put on in the car. Maybe you knew, maybe it was completely unintentional, but the music you left me with will forever be one of the best gifts of my life.

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Lately, I’ve been leaning into gratitude around my mom and its so tender. I spent a lot of my teens and 20s stuck in my wounds, feeling resentful and alone but after actually spending some years healing, I can’t help but feel into the love that my mom has and continues to give me. It truly is a love like no other and honestly, I am still trying to wrap my understanding around it. When I let myself feel around it my heart just swells and I can’t help but to have tears flowing. The gratitude is overwhelming. I don’t think I’ll understand it till I am a mom myself, but for what I can feel and understand right now? My mom is now and should have always been my greatest gift in this lifetime.

So, in honor of the sassy, Sagittarius J-O-D-Y, enjoy the line up of these bangers:

(click photos to listen)

That Don’t Impress me Much- Shania Twain

Goodbye Earl- The Chicks

This One’s For The Girls- Martina McBride

Just A Girl- No Doubt

I Don’t Want to Wait- Paula Cole

Rescue- Lauren Daigle

Mr. Jones- Counting Crows

Where You Lead- Carol King

Thanks Mom!

If you’re into this kind of music share, come! Follow along on this wild, ever changing journey.

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This is the first article I am writing with no clue where its going to go. Honestly taking the shape of a journal entry which is kind of scary because “oh no, what will people think?” and also because it is outside of the weird parameters I and I’m sure many of us, have put around the way we write. But, I’ve got three works partially complete and I don’t want to rush into the completion any of them at 10 o clock at night after a full day. So, free write it is.

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Earlier today, with the organic guidance of a dear friend’s voice memo, I thought about all the wonderful things that have happened this year. In the memo, she had mentioned all of the blessings that came about this year, me being one of them…meanwhile, I have been in action so hard, grinding toward adult ass goals, that yet again I have completely sunken into the vibration of seeing all the things I still don’t have rather than sitting in gratitude for those that I do. So first of all, thank God for people like my friend who unintentionally slap us into a different perspective. Second of all, sometimes you really do slip into being a human, you forget your core, your guiding light and something literally has to happen for you to come back to “the whole point”. In honor of the slap heres

A (Short) List of Blessings That Came About for Me This Year:

• I started a new job

• I got to go on my first retreat IN ITALY

• I had a beautiful man get down on one knee and propose. A moment I have been dreaming of for almost my entire life.

• I (obviously) said yes! and now we are planning a wedding (I just said yes to the perfect dress last week *sheds tear*)

• My family is in good health

• I had time to read 5 books

• Made new really really powerful and loving friendships

• I’m still alive

• I still have my health

It’s funny because I recently vowed to live life leading in gratitude. For that to be my norm and this is definitely the kick start into it. Its like when you see “111” somewhere and all of a sudden you start to see it all over the place. The more you slow down and think about your blessings, the more you realize that there are way more than you could ever count. Heck, there are way more than you can even see with the human eye and cognitive brain and that is something to definitely be conscious of.

So, as we begin to package up the year of 2025, a year of massive growth, I encourage you to pause for the love of God and actually think about everything you have been blessed with this year. I know, I know it is easy to focus on the things that hurt, the things that didn’t go the way you expected and the things that you’re still yearning for, but with us coming into winter (a time of rest) can we settle into gratitude so that the rest of what we want to call in comes from a place of abundance instead of lack? Can we start our prayer with “thank you God” rather than “god, please fix this” or “God, I need more of X” and see where that brings us? Can we trade the hustle and grind for a hot tea and a nap?

Tapping into gratitude in my experience has never felt fast paced. It has always been an extremely present, time warp kind of sensation. It’s time to slow down and actually count our blessings because we’ve got a lot of them.

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As a life long dancer my brain has worked in fascinating ways. You don’t just hear a song you see it. You see it in costume, storyline, choreography, and music video set.

I remember being in 2nd grade, sitting in the back seat of my father’s pick up truck envisioning a dance music video to American Pie by Don McLean. It took place in my class room, where all of the desks were pushed together to create an elevated stage and the main two dancers who “kicked off their shoes” danced barefoot on the desks. You could call it a colorful imagination or being a now 31 year old choreographer, you could call it oh, I don’t know… fate?

My brain still thinks in this way and when I hear a song that breathes new life into my creative reservoir, the music video set and choreography fill my brain just like it did 24 years ago. And the most recent catalyst to this artsy brain explosion is WHERE IS MY HUSBAND by British singer, songwriter Raye.

Little side note, words of encouragement and conclusion for the fellow artists here. I know in a hustle and bustle world with capitalization and consumerism reigning in its late stages, it is so easy to think one has to create for money or create a business with your art, but I am here to say do not get lost in the sauce.

Do not lose the joy, the meaning, the life force behind what you create to try to fit it into a system that it was not meant to fit into. Do not lose hope. Do not be afraid to keep paving the new, raw, vulnerable path for your art.

And if your brain has been working in an artistic way for your entire life, don’t you dare think that it won’t have something to do with your “calling”. Your artistic nature is your essence. Keep creating even if for a few years it is just for your eyes, for the next year it is for galleries and the next year it is for a small group of art club friends. God is the craftiest one of all. The unraveling is nothing like what you could predict. Just keep going and creating with the depths of who you are.

Every week, I write something inspired by music and this week I am so inspired by Raye! I can see the entire choreographer piece come to life, I just need a community of dancers to work with! If you’re a part of a dance community and are searching for a choreographer or partner in creative dance projects, lets connect!

Each week I work to write something about some sort of music. This week, I’m keeping it nice and simple. Well as simple as I can.

I’ve got one song I’m recommending and it may be mainstream but I don’t care! This one left me wet faced in the theater, heart aching with my inner theater kid completely lit up.

Last year for my moms birthday, we went to see Wicked. My mom is a TikTok gal so she knew all the songs, the plot, you name it before the viewing. But I had not a lick of knowledge about any of it. Needless to say, one viewing of Wicked brought my inner theater kid came back to life. I became (almost) as obsessed with the film as my mom. I listened to the soundtrack all through December 2024. It was the year the Wicked soundtrack overtook Christmas music. And since that first time seeing it, my mom and I have been (mostly) patiently waiting for the second one to come out.

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This year, we were on top of the dates. We made sure we got the earliest viewing date, Monday November 17th and the best seats. Again, my mom knew what was going to happen, she watched the TV special “Wicked: One Wonderful Night” and I chose to be in the dark. I like surprises, what can I say.

The rest of the plot blew me away. The Wizard of Oz cross over left my mouth hanging open. The emotion through the soundtrack viscerally moved me many many times but the last song… it ripped my heart wide open.

There were many aspects of why my heart felt the way it did. Firstly, and I’m sure we all knew this by now but I’m hella empathetic. It’s hard for me to not cry when I see someone else cry. I am the person that gets teary at parades. But there were layers to tears. The love and sisterhood shared by the two main characters, Elphaba and Galinda was unwavering. It was such a display of what true love looks like seeped in forgiveness, a quiet knowingness that parting in this lifetime is inevitable and the heart wrenching fact that sometimes when you love someone enough, you have to do hard things. Not only was the story told in such a beautiful way with the acting but you could tell as people, the actors felt that love for each other. So you weren’t just watching the story you were witnessing real emotion in their voices, their eyes, their faces. And when you get to pick that up in a film, it’s special. In my opinion at least.

So, not only was I feeling for the story and the actors, but I was in my feels because I’ve been moved by the same portrayed emotions in my own life. The overwhelming gratitude for another woman who unapologetically witnessed you through all of your shit, who adorns you from afar, who loves you and believes in you no matter what. I am lucky enough to have that. And I couldn’t help but see myself and my friends love reflected through the pink and green washed witches on the screen.

A year later, Wicked has left me yet again with a breath of fresh air in my spirit and my ears. Left feeling tender and so incredibly inspired, hopeful and alive in my heart.

Anyway, here’s the song.

It’s called For Good. It’s beautiful and I will unapologetically be playing it on repeat till further notice.

PS- If it wasn’t obvious, this rendition of the show Wicked has opened up a closeted passion in me. I’ve been able to connect with people over show tunes, and Emil and I have created a “must watch” list of shows to bond within. It is always unexpected, but such a gift to have someone else’s artwork inspire you so much that your shame melts away.

If you like music and are looking for new recommendations across many genres, subscribe, comment, whatever. I’d love to connect with you!

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I am moving through a gnarly contraction in my body, brain and general faith in life. Clutching and clawing at control because I believe I’d do anything to not feel what comes with some potential outcomes that are flashing through my head. The thought of that level of loss is so scary, the fear so strong, it locks my energy in place and takes me breath away.

I was presented with the idea to say a prayer rooted in unwavering faith. The author of the audiobook proposed the statement, “I will do anything because God I believe in you that much.” Casually driving to work, I asked myself if I could imagine giving everything over to Him with that statement and my answer came loudly, blatantly, a big ol’ “NO” screaming through my body. A clear resistance to God. A clear distrust in God and myself to shape my life into whatever it’s “supposed to be”. To actually believe that letting go of the control could be good for me.

Yesterday, was the first day I was able to come back into a morning practice, starting my day with prayer.

The clawing has loosened grip a bit and the exhaustion I’m experiencing from this gripping is wild. I feel like I’ve run a marathon!

Its funny though because this isn’t the first time Ive been here. Fighting then surrendering. Disbelieving and then settling into God’s palms.

In the spiritual world you learn things happen in loops. You experience something and then you spiral back to it a year or two later and at first you’re like, “wait I thought I was done working on this” but then you realize it’s hitting you differently this time. It’s a little deeper, carries a different perspective and asks you to lift yet another layer around the same subject.

It is the invitation to take a step closer to yourself and to God over and over again. And in a perfect world it would seem that leaning into God is a no brainer. That once you experience miracles or unexplainable love and support, that you’d dive into His guidance even more but when you connect it to the body, the mind and the fear they both hold, the resistance is deafeningly loud.

I’m not really sharing this to suggest a solution or “the” way to lean fully into God. Its a really personal experience and the unwinding journey of it looks so different from person to person, but if you too have felt this way or are feeling some form of this “in between” or fear or back and forth right now, know you’re not alone and that these moments are just as divine and holy as your “ideal”. The darkness, muck treading, imperfect, gut wrenched, contracted you is still worthy of dreams, being held, and His unwavering love.

Below, I added a poem I wrote a little while back about this in and out of trust in God. Maybe it’ll bring you some comfort or tear at you in the places wanting to burst.

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It Is True
By Stephanie Visek

Is it true?
That these headphones burn holes into my brain
or that all of the water I can access is poisoned?
That every official creating our laws is working against us? 
Simply making shifts to suck us dry, sift out the useless, or shape the children to be mindless?
Is it true that the world is so bad?
That icebergs have been replaced with floating piles of plastic?
Plastic pumps through our blood alongside the cells
That were so afraid of placing our bare feet on the ground that there isn’t a callus on our heel to be found?

Is it true? 
Subconsciously 90% of our diets are processed
corn and glyphosate and petroleum?
Heavy metals from the fish getting stuck in our tissues?

Spells cast through screens
Children being stolen from their homes to play as pawns of the rich
Fake clouds
Injections taking away children’s ability to feed themselves and think straight

It’s sick
We’re sick

Is it true?
The air we breath is tainted
Nothing can be trusted
The sense of lack is a mindset
or is it?
Mass confusion
Mass destruction in the streets and in the hearts of every human

Is it true?
That ignorance is bliss?
Because if it is
Can I have it back?
Quick!
This awareness
or is it?
Is killing me with pain
All of the energy in my brain
Twisting and churning what i thought was into what is and what is into something That does not yet exist

Is it true?
That despite all of it 
If I open my heart to you, I can know what’s true?
If I  turn my face upon you, will there be some color other than blue?

Well then
I’ll take the headphones out just in case
Welcome in the silence 
I’ll leave the wine on the shelf
Just in case that helps me decipher your voice from another’s 
I’ll take the leap of faith I guess
Because well I have no other option

I can’t go on like this
I have too many questions
Too much to ponder
I'm not sure I was put here to wonder
See, I came with a purpose I just can’t remember it
And I thought I’ve fallen upon it a few times now but I can’t trust it

Is it true?
I’m just a conduit for you?
I don't have to be anything but myself?
I don't think that’s true

Because the world is complex
I know you see it too
The textbooks are collections of lies
Sections of the Bible burned to hide
It can’t be as simple as you make it sound
I need money
More money
Maybe that will help me find out
What we’ve all been curious about

What is the truth?
Why are we here?

I’m not really sure
Because when I think I can finally hear
Your voice nice and clear
It’s fogged up
Bogged down
Static with fear

Is it true?
I'm okay? Just as I am?
Right here?
Will you really hold me through all these rolling tears?
It's hard to say I can’t see you
But I can feel you
Is that enough?
To deep dive, face first into that trust?

Oh, it hurts
This constant swimming
Why can’t I just lean into you?

Is it true?
I can just wake up one day and choose
To be good
To flow forward without knowing what’s true?

Well I choose that
I'm here
God, show me you’re here

I don't know if its true but I’m landing right here
Tender, stranded, choked up and bruised
I’ll do whatever it takes to end this wicked ruse

If you declare it
I’ll claim it
If you say it, I’ll repeat
Because see God you're my last try
My final drumbeat

I’ve sought all over
Inward and out
I’ve done spirals and swirls
Dances and song
All to land here, God
Please don’t let this be wrong

True or not
Thank God I’m here
I’ll try my damnedest to trust what you share

The deep dive with a broken nose
It’s something like a spear
Through my heart
My head
My flesh
These tears

Is it true?
I don't know
But I’m claiming it to be
The words of others I'm unsure
But my own breath?
It is thee
I can feel you dancing
From vein to muscle
The sprinkle down my back
Your quiet little chuckle

Is it true?
I don't know
But I'm claiming it to be
This experience is my own
Oh thank you God
Now I can see

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I wanted, with all my conditioned might, to go to Starbucks this morning for my matcha. The comfort of the familiar aesthetic, the quality standard I am used to. But my consciousness around where my money (aka my energy) is going has been SO prevalent lately. So, I decided to go to a local coffee shop. 

Now, one may think that’s the obvious choice, acting in alignment with my morals but the battle that had to go on in my own head to drive past Starbucks was honestly alarming and surprising.

“I’ve gotten a matcha there before and it wasn’t all that what if that happens again and I have to say something?”

“What if I have to use the bathroom. They don’t have a bathroom but Starbucks has a bathroom.”

My consumerized mind wanted to defend Starbucks like its life depended on it. We all know we want to support small and reshape society but actually DOING it is a different story. Especially with the decades long conditioning we’ve been subjected to. 

So why am I bringing this up now? Well, about a week ago I became aware of the mass blackout planned across our country taking place from Black Friday through cyber Monday.

And as a person who has been so frustrated with herself and the collective in wanting to do something but not tying action to it…. This movement is exactly what we needed. It is hope. It is something to work toward, something to be a part of. It is a scheduled, collective opportunity to actually practice what we’ve all been preaching and to actually combat the disempowered way of being we’ve been leading with.

I’m not saying we have been doing nothing. I know we have been trying but committing to a week long period with no scrolling, no binge watching shows, no shopping on the biggest shopping days of the year? Let’s be real. That’s going to be challenging! It’s going to be a stretch because we all have that comfort show or that guilty pleasure of the coffee shop, the target stroll, whatever. But when you’re doing it for something bigger than yourself, the crunchiness ain’t shit.

Well maybe it can be some shit but it’s worth mucking through that shit. You feel me? 

(Just in case you want to get a little fired up, heres the video that brought my attention to the mass blackout movement.)

If you have been aware of all of the noise, the static, the distraction, the encouragement of mindless consumerism, you KNOW how much “A silence so loud nobody could ignore” is necessary right now! Not only to show those in power that they don’t have as much power as they think they do, but as a mass reclamation of our time, focus and energy as individuals and a collective.

A mass reclamation of our power. This movement has so much potential power we just have to align our actions with our morals.

We can do that!

Let us become aware of where our actions are not aligned with our morals and then actively work on shifting.

Let us commit to follow through after the conversations are had. 

Let us challenge ourselves to consciously move through life with love.

A frequent pause and devotion to conscious choice is in order on a collective level.

So if you want to be a part of this movement, start now. As a practice, warm up, a personal journey of awareness to see where you’re mind is with all this consuming.

And if you want to do be a part of this mass movement but also know you may need people to lean on for accountability when the urges get strong, comment here.

I’d love to lean on each other and band together for something bigger than ourselves.

Cheers to hope. Cheers to coming together. Cheers to reclamation.

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I’m not going to lie, I unapologetically get hyper fixated on songs. How couldn’t you though? When your ears finally take in something that describes a feeling you’ve been feeling but haven’t been able to explain it yet? That’s art. That’s finally feeling seen and heard. That’s medicine. Because when this finally happens, you no longer have to question what it is you’re feeling, the song turns on and you say, “yes, THAT! That, is what I am feeling”. And the next step from there, is to just embody it. It’s the sound you needed to get out of your head and into your body and being. And Florence + The Machine’s new music is the perfect avenue to take this Scorpio season.

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This past full moon, smack in the middle of Scorpio season, showed me the truth underneath the veil. This is the nature of scorpio season but this time around she stripped me of my superficial “good girl” sheath to reveal an ancient woman with dark eyes and anger ripping through her jaw. Her blood curdling screams of “NO” and “STOP” reverberated through every cell of my being. Suddenly drenched in the generationally suppressed rage of every woman who was ever manipulated, belittled, too nice to say how she really felt, the one who stifled herself for the comfort of the men around her. The grief of my ancestors sits in the front of my shoulders, the resentment toward conniving, worm-like masculine conditioning is lodged in my ribs. Forget rose colors glasses. This scorpio season we are peeling the dead skin from our corneas and burning fire through the forehead of the system with only our gaze. I thought the feminine had risen but she is still rising and she just added some flames.

The stripping of false identity hit like a brick wall. Everything that I had been letting slide was immediately NOT OKAY. Everything I had been enabling crashed to the ground. Entertaining the bullshit was no longer negotiable. Because for as long as I let the good girl lead, I betray myself. This dark eyed ancient woman knows what she needs and is'n’t settling for anything less.

A few days into moving through this serpent shedding, I landed on the song “One of The Greats” off Florence + The Machine’s new album, Everybody Scream.

From the first guitar strums, I knew this song was going to be a beast. I knew it was going to be the container needed to unleash the truth. It is just twisted enough, just manic enough to truly embody the insect-like, grime of a witch that has been buried behind a well behaved girl’s pink dress for centuries.

And so I listened. I listened while walking on the treadmill, while driving to work. I listened at work. I danced to it in a dark parking lot, headlights shining in my face. I choked up while singing along. It is the permission to step faster and harder than one usually does. It is the background music to staring into oblivion while the programmed distractions try to get your attention. It is medicine. Needed medicine.

If you can relate at all to what Ive described above, I highly recommend listening to these songs, too. A serpent woman making peace with with her darkness can never have too many musical potions!

Everybody Scream: Hi god, please make screaming in a group of women a norm in my life

The Old Religion: Something so deeply experienced by woman collectively

And Love: The quiet, harp serenade that feels like a full body breath after rage turned to heavy tears

PS- I am working on transferring my music from Spotify and onto a more ethical music platform. If you have recommendations, I’d greatly appreciate them. Just message me!

Maybe the luteal phase isn't just a hell-like span of time before you bleed for the month, maybe it’s the sacred container where your shadows take the stage. 

Since my retreat to Italy, my luteal phase has taken this new shape. Instead of falling into a deep hole of victimhood and utter hate for myself the week before I bleed, I’ve entered the territory with curiosity. With the very simple idea to listen to what these shadows may be trying to tell me. Don’t get me wrong, I am still very much so indulging in sweets, bloated and sleepy, but my headspace isn't AS awful as it could be and I think its because I’m not exiling the darkness anymore, I’m facing it.

There is one particular embodiment that darkness can take in any one person's psyche, it's one of the 4 survival archetypes: the saboteur. Aka your anti-self or your inner critic. You know that voice you hear in the back of your head telling you that everyone in the room is judging you, the one that leads you to swat down any opportunity that comes your way, the one that fills your head with excuses and stories that keep you exactly where you are? The version of you that can so slyly, intelligently and manipulatively sabotage you? Yeah, that’s the one.

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And if you’re not aware of or take time to get to know your saboteur, she’ll subconsciously run your life so you stay looping in the same patterns you've always been in. Because being in the same small place you’ve always been feels safe. Expanding into the unknown is scary so she tries to protect us from feeling that fear… from feeling anything uncomfortable thats would come with growth. 

And initially, when you think of this part of yourself you want to take her out, beat her up, scream in her face and exile her because she has been talking you and puppeteering you out of your dreams. You hate her. But if you hate her, that means you’re hating a part of yourself. Exiling a part of yourself.

When her voice peeks into your head you immediately shut it down fiercely defending your comfort. But if we handle her in this way…. She won't magically up and leave. She’ll stay and still have control of the reins. And honestly, she'll probably get louder and even more manipulative.

The only way I can speak into this in this way is because I have met my saboteur. I have met her, witnessed her and come to understand her many times over the last three years and recently I finally cracked a massive code but I’m going to start at the beginning because the journey into knowing your darkest shadow isn't the love & light healing modalities you so often hear about.

A few years back, I took a survival archetype program, and in 5 weeks, a good dose of Caroline Myss and hypnotherapy, I meet all 4 archetypes but I’ll never forget the morning after meeting my saboteur. My eyes hadn’t even opened for the day and my mind was at war with itself. This voice that had been ignored and suppressed was at the surface and she wanted to cause hell. I mean who wouldn’t after being cast aside for that long. But for every wicked thing she had to say to me, another aspect of my psyche went into defense mode. I laid in bed frozen. I was physically and figuratively paralyzed by her strong presence. It felt like an alarm in my head but instead of beeping it was a voice telling me how much of a failure I was and how ashamed my mom was of me. Yeah, she really likes using the people I love most against me.

After getting through the paralysis stage the awareness around her was extremely enlightening. I learned very quickly that her voice was similar to that of my intuition and she would manipulate me into thinking I was acting in the highest regard but later on I’d realize it was in fact her.

Over years time, it had been a slow back and forth journey of integrating this part of me back in but recently, with all of the massive shifts happening in my life, I didn't realize how much I had been shutting her out again until the retreat in Italy this past September. The moment the hosts said the theme for the day was “the inner critic” my nervous system was triggered. The moment we were invited to bring her to the surface and let her say what she had to say, tears quietly poured from my eyes because once again, I had shut her out, she was ripping to take the stage and I knew she was going to be vicious.

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The message that came pouring in from her was one of the most hateful, mean messages I have ever heard and being present with her in that initial moment was so painful but what came after was a truly life changing experience. Not to be dramatic or anything but it quite literally changed my life.

First life changing shift: Instead of trying to shut her up or convince her that she’s wrong, I just witnessed her. No consoling, no action, just watching and listening. And after some time holding the screaming and the harsh commentary, she revealed what was underneath it all: fear. She was sharing her concerns for me and the way I was living my life and honestly, they were valid. She was bringing a twisted magnifying glass to my deeply rooted feelings of being unsafe and unsupported, and it was epically valid. n this practice I went from uncontrollably crying at the thought of confronting her to sitting across the table having tea with her. And that wouldn’t have been possible if I didn't just let her take up space, to be seen and heard. 

Second life changing shift: I realized for the first time she was not actually against me, we had more things in common than I thought. Since I’ve returned home and entered post-retreat integration mode, I have truly learned to not take the awful things she has to say to heart. The initial wickedness she displays is really just a tactic to get my attention because she has more serious concerns to bring forward. The more I ignore her, the louder she screams because she cares.

What was lying underneath her most recent messages brought me to a deep understanding of why she exists. This is the third life changing shift. Her concerns aren’t always valid but she really is just trying to protect me. In her most basic function as a survival archetype, she is here to keep me alive. Her voice is an alarming invitation to step into action: say what you’ve been holding in because if you don’t, and you keep harming yourself by making everyone comfortable around you, you’re going to be living in your own personal version of hell. She can see that and in her own twisted way is communicating it to me.

And for the first time ever, I was moved into overwhelming gratitude and love for her. Imagine that, overwhelming gratitude and love for the darkest, ugliest part of yourself. 

So, I’ll continue to sit with her, listen and then move forward with my wisest self holding the reins because combine this mental body work with physical body and energy work and you’re literally changing your lineages DNA. You’re literally making the world a better place by choosing to witness rather than lecture, to practice moving forward with love rather than hate.

So, I guess the major takeaways from this personal decoding of the saboteur?

It takes time. It takes courage. The survival archetypes are a part of every human being’s psyche. They are so deeply rooted and function so subconsciously. They are not a one and done kind of venture.

Nothing is working against you. Every part of you is for you even if it doesn’t seem like it intially.

Knowing thyself, all of thyself is always worth the discomfort because love is waiting for you on the other side.

You’ll notice that through a lot of this decoding, I was supported by other women who have also done this kind of work. If this work is calling to you, I recommend highly highly highly that you do it while being held often.

And lastly, if you’re looking for a container to do this type of self exploration in, message me. I’d love to connect! This shit lights me up!

Thanks for reading

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Oh Scorpio season, I forgot how much I love you in a weird, darkened and sensual way.

And leading up to the season it is no surprise that that one line from Kendrick Lamar’s “Humble” has been living rent free in my head; during regular day things my brain is just like, “I’M SO FUCKIN’ SICK AND TIRED OF THE PHOTOSHOP”

And honest to god, if you had to pin point my overall mood lately, that very lyric would be it. Having to write a certain way to be accepted, show up in a certain way, being shushed by people because I’m actually speaking about injustice, expressing real emotion including the unhidden disgust on my face.

The more people try to put me in a box or keep everything calm and civil and pure, the more I want to rip the box to shreds like a rabid dog. But the wild thing is is that the external display of fear packaged as “proper” or smallness as being “good” is a reflection of those patterns within our own energy bodies. So we can point at the other party, the rich, the neighbor and blame, shame and attack them but who we really want to blame, shame and attack is ourselves. Because we are living so much smaller than we know we could and than we want to admit. And we are so damn good at denying it, twisting it and turning away from it, that we have literally convinced ourselves that everyone else is the problem.

This is the sopping, infectious Petri dish that Scorpio season lives for. She will give you no choice but to look within. The rose colored glasses are flung across the room, the veils are lifted and you are left staring at the secrets, desires and darkness you have tried to bury. She wants to show you whats real and willing or not, she’ll drag you in to look at it. The parts of you that are nasty and wild sexually. The part of you that want more than anything to spit in the face of those who preach “only love and light”. The one that wants to be loud and unruly WITH LOVE but is locked away somewhere behind your sternum. This is who she brings forward.

Those long standing, deeply seeded stories of unworthiness, the gapping wounds come up but she does it FOR US. Because as long as we don’t look, we keep living a life being led by wounds rather than our truth.

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I’m no expert, but I have been dabbling in some work in honor of Scorpio season and if you are leaning in rather than out, here are some practices and tools I recommend:

Scorpios Unveiled Playlist

I spent a year of my life playing in the embodiment of each zodiac season and as part of this journey I built a playlist for each. This one definitely invites sensuality, your kundalini to spiral through your central channel. Let it

One day I will have a lot of my own videos to share but for now I’m leaning on YouTube creators.

Guided Breath Work to Help Open the Heart

This type of activating breath work will bring anything you’ve been ignoring to the surface to be moved and or released.

(If you have certain medical issues, please research activating breath work before trying)

Medusa & Lilith Revealing Truth

This video included mini activations around Medusa and Lilith guided by Rewilding with Sabrina and it was INSANELY powerful. These dark goddesses specifically work in the same themes as Scorpio season. (The video is going to be taken down soon though so I highly recommend taking advantage of it now!)

We don’t have to be afraid of what we have not faced. Even if we are afraid, we can have the courage to still look as an act of devotion to self, our lineage and to the world. It is uncomfortable and it is serving. It is heavy and shines a light on where we can love ourselves more. It is revealing and god is always holding us.

Happy Scorpio season y’all and May you choose to continue to look.

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I have felt so motivated to post on Substack since I came back from Italy. I decided Thursdays would be for sharing whatever is on my heart in light of the journey of being a human and a soul simultaneously and Fridays were for talking about and sharing music. But this week, luteal and newly enrolled in real estate school, writing isn’t landing as easily. I’m not really healing or writing about what I had been writing about for the last 3 years. I’m being. And it’s totally weird.

Instead of trying to be, just being in all of my wise soul and human glory.

So what I’ve decided to do is share the very human things I have been up to that are actually the aftermath of finally entertaining the idea of being devoted to Self:

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Fooding

I haven’t gotten the best hang of it yet, but believe it or not, intentionally cooking and grocery shopping have been at the forefront of my human experience lately! Last week, we had our moms over and I made a shitty soup (god bless their souls they swore it was good) and today on my lunch break, made some mean sautéed string beans and spinach over angel hair. I have a long history of having like a 60% success rate in making meals so with that known history and feeling really drawn to eating more whole, REAL foods, tackling simple recipes have been really inspiring and actually something to look forward to!

Just for funsies, here are two recipes that were a success: 

High Protein Chocolate Chia Pudding

Creamy Italian Ground Chicken Soup

Becoming A Shit Texter

Over the past few weeks, I’ve turned into a really shitty texter. The reasoning is tied to the same idea. My schedule is full full and for my own well-being, to keep myself healthy physically, mentally and emotionally as I maneuver work and school, I am being hella conscious of how I am expending energy. Am I closing out friends and family? Of course not. Am I taking longer to answer them and giving myself grace around that? Yeah. And happily, shamelessly explaining that to those in my chat.

Choosing Good Enough

The need to perform is sliding off of my being more and more. Business casual attire for work? No problem. I grab a pair of slacks, a cozy sweater, blush and cute earrings and it’s good enough where as before I’d go back and forth, fretting for perfection. Spending so much energy to fit into the role rather than just be myself. Who knew that if you just stop overthinking about your identity that simple tasks could actually be simple?!

Finding Calm in the Untidy

The living room needs to be vacuumed, the sheets need to be washed, dishes are piling up and the banana bread crumbs on the kitchen table are enough to sustain all of the ants in our yard for the winter and I’ve completely surrendered to it. When I first moved into this apartment a little over a year ago, I was absolutely panicked about a cleaning regimen (which, don’t get me wrong is important) but I’m proud to announce I only get slightly panicked only sometimes about it now and in times like these where my schedule is full full, I know that it’ll be okay if things aren’t tidy for a minute. Prioritizing my time, energy and effort for what is at the forefront has been an on going practice, especially being someone who can knock off a list of 12 things before 10am.

Power Punched Lists

Into the next human tool that has shifted a bit: lists. I am and have always been a list maker. They’re not always made in the same context. Sometimes I’ll make one that I work off of throughout a week's time, other times it’ll be 5 tasks for the day and others will be completely unrealistic and knowing that I’ll still make them just because I need all those tasks out of my head, but lately the lists are multiple a day each being really short. I list my top priority things to get done in the first half of the day. Once I get those done, I can make another short, power punched list for the rest of the day. The last few days I’ve been working with long periods of focusing on school or work and having short, 15-30 minute breaks like tiny bursts of freedom. Of course my lists reflect the pattern of my day's flow. Letting it shift naturally instead of judging it or getting rigid with myself has taken years of practice. Letting myself just be a human has taken years of practice.

Scale Prevention

I bought a new bottle of lotion and have actually been moisturizing my body. I’m a vanilla shea queen preparing to prevent winter scales. After thinking about it for weeks, every application feels like a celebration.

“Before enlightenment; chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment; chop wood, carry water.”

-Layman Pang

It is in the deep mundane where the most mystical magic lies. And after swirling in the ethers, trudging through ancestral trauma and searching deep under veil after veil, I’ve come back to just being a dang human. And it feels so good.

And it is a great gift to reclaim the simple tasks of life with a new light.

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Theres something so “human” about deciding we want change and then expecting it to shift immediately. I have personally experienced the disappointment from this mindset far too many times. The truth is that if we want long lasting change, it won’t be made with diet culture, bullying ourselves into it or lying to ourselves: its going to take action and time.

When I unexpectedly went on the journey of healing my own nervous system 4 years ago, there were three things I really leaned into that have become a long term, lifestyle change: Spending more time outside in nature, practicing presence and bringing awareness to the music I consume.

The first two came together as a package deal. When I first began offering outdoor yoga 4 years ago, I started from nothing. I woke up every morning Monday through Thursday, showed up at 7am and was met with myself, the great outdoors and occasionally the crossing of a red fox. And what was birthed from being left student-less was the opportunity to just lay and take in the natural beauty around me. To get down on the level of the grass and bring attention to the tiny ecosystems that have been at our feet for, well, for forever. You know the ones that we never think twice about. And in that simple awareness was birthed a presence practice.

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Now, the awareness around music has been a very long journey as I grew up connecting to music in dance class from the age of 3. But in 2017, when I started yoga teacher training, this journey curved in a different direction where I was introduced to many different genres of music, all being more calm and quiet than I ever listened to. I specifically remember not understanding the hype around artists like Trevor Hall or Rising Appalachia or how people could dance to this type of music. I was used to listening to electronic dance music and all of the love-drenched, conscious music seemed too “soft”. I enjoyed something with a bite, something that fed my busy mind and judged those who didn’t. Yikes. Flash forward, I’m so happy to announce that I’ve come to really really love music of this genre and Rising Appalachia is in fact 110% badass.

But until I learned about how the nervous system worked, I was stuck in my own looping patterns. When the nervous system is used to chaos, it craves chaos. It feels at home in the chaos and the mind will say what it needs to for you to stay in the chaos. Even if you know silence would be nice, the music is automatically turned on when you get in the car. Even though deep down you’re craving a softer, more loving or gentle energy, it’ll judge others for liking music in that category.

Additional to lightening up on the judgement around peoples music taste, over the past few years, I have come to accept and understand that having music on all the time is blocking me from hearing myself, listening to electronic music in the morning really isn’t serving my nervous system and listening to sad music can unfortunately feed my old story loops.

When you love and value music so deeply, accepting that you must change your patterns around it if you want to feel better is tough. It is hard to break our trauma bonding to music. I’d even say the 5 stages of grief unfold during the process. But, the process does not have to be inauthentic. We don’t have to abandon our favorite artists, never return to our nostalgic childhood tunes or pretend to like artists that we don’t like. We get to let the process of shifting our music be of grace, childlike exploration and a devotion to self.

It also doesn’t have to be done abruptly on in one day. If your nervous system is used to something and it’s been functioning in that way for years, you can imagine the rigidity, intensity and stress caused if you went from your regularly scheduled programming to straight silence. This can be one way to do it though. Cold turkey. Pull the plug. But if you’ve subconsciously been using your music as a way to drown out the chaos in your mind, those first few moments, minutes or even days will be brutal.

If you don’t want to cause such a hard shock to the nervous system, I recommend listening to slower paced, maybe even wordless music in the mornings. Try that as a first step and just observe what comes up. Be the observer of your mind: is it noisy? What does the chatter say? Are you agitated by the “softness”? And do you want to be in any other moment but this one because what you’re feeling is uncomfortable? Be the observer to the sensations in your body: are their aches or tension finally getting your attention now that your mind isn’t numbed by the repetitive words of pop music or the hyper stimulation of techno?

Even if we don’t go from techno level intensity to silence, any shift in our consumption of music can be loud and honestly this is an undeniable part of the process. This reminder has saved me so many times so I will leave it here. When you are intentionally working on changing something whether it be the health of your nervous system or an eating habit or a communication pattern, the excuses, resistance and noise in the mind will get even more fierce before it gets better. This is a part of the process and if you can zoom out and be the observer as the change unfolds, ask for support and hold yourself with love as you become aware of these parts of yourself, you will make some incredibly powerful change in your life.

On that note, here are two playlists I recommend to ease you into nervous system healing:

This one has words

Good Morning Spotify Playlist

This one does not

Calm Morning Playlist (No Words)

And I know first hand what it’s like to sit in the car in silence and wanting to be anywhere but in my head. What it’s like to not use music while I meditate for the first time in forever and be actively angry about it. But I also know what it’s like to find a song that heals your inner child within its three minutes. What it’s like moving through unexplainable, otherworldly energetic alchemy while hugging a tree listening to an 8 minute wordless song.

The initiation of change is confronting and uncomfortable but once you get to the meat of it, it feels like home. This is why we choose to consciously change. Choosing this conscious journey around the nervous system will lift the veils of habitual tension and taught chaos, and lead you back to yourself, which is pretty much the biggest gift you could ever give yourself.

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So this is like show and tell but music wise for conscious, artistic rebels because who doesn’t like expanding their music library?!

This collection of songs span across different genres and demographics that invite movement, reflection, listening and feeling into different moments in time. Let yourself be taken on the ride.

KIRBY

I’m starting with an artist because there were too many songs of hers to choose from.

Kirby, a woman of color sharing history, the roots and energy of Mississippi in a soul drenched way that was so powerful that it completely encapsulated me. I have no direct connection to Mississippi but I was still wanting to be completely immersed in her every word.

The musicality, the topics brought up, the truth spoken, the emotion: as a movement artist, this is the kind of music that you can’t help getting consumed by. It is not listened to by the ears but felt through the body.

I had two of her songs saved “Black Leaves” and “Loved by You” but fell upon her new album, Miss Black America and from the first intro song, knew it was gold. “When you Coming Home”, “Miss Black America” and “Under Pressure” have been on repeat the past few days.

Atman- Ksenia Luki, Josh Brill

Next song is one I stumbled upon and althought the verse lyrics are lovely it’s the chorus’s run of the word “Atman” that captured me because it just feels so fricking good to sing!

When you sing with the chorus, your voice isn’t trying to be pretty or sound good. Instead it’s an invitation to let your wild medicine woman’s cosmic voice drone. You feel it deep in your heart and throat. It’s the feeling of remembrance.

You can hear that this song was a spiritual download from the unseen and singing with it is medicinal.

Shaking Things Up- Nimino

The last song we’re ending on, in my opinion, should be the anthem for 2025.

This year, astrologically, has “shaken things up” in every area of life 4 times over. It’s been rough and uncomfortable with growing pains all around but this song makes the nature of 2025 sound like a party. Which at this stage in the game, I think we need.

So there you have it may this mix of tunes inspire you to reflect, dance, embody your inner medicine woman and step into pieces of art you normally wouldn’t.

if you’re a big music nerd, too, subscribe here!

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I share music recommendations every Friday!

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I intended on micro-dosing last night to help me focus on writing the article for today. I don’t know where those sucker ass capsules went though, so I went with a half of a weed gummy because your girl rocks the sober life 99.8% of the time and most definitely cant handle a whole. And instead of the gummy helping me focus or tune in or anything productive, it pulled me into awareness around my scattered ass mind. Instead of choosing one thing and writing about it like I had intended, I wrote the beginning or the layout of my next 6 pieces. I observed patterns presenting themselves through conversation, laughed a ton with my best friend on an unexpected phone call and poured my recent findings out to my finance as he got into bed. 

Before the story goes on, here’s a little background information I’ve never publicly talked about but with Medusa being in the nodes, why not speak it now, right? 

my life has always been very scheduled. School, Girl Scouts, then dance rehearsal for my entire youth. College looked like gym, class, eat, study, shower broken down into half hour increments for 4 years plus working on the weekends. (PS- Don’t get it twisted. I am so SO grateful for the structure my parents created for me because it helped me develop some incredibly healthy lifestyle patterns that I still practice today). I lived within a strict structure my entire life until covid hit in 2020 where all of my structure (my work schedule, masters classes, trips to the gym) got ripped from me. And in the beginning of that mess, I coped with how we were being groomed to: posting TikTok dance videos, cutting my bangs at home and learning how to use a sewing machine to make masks. But as time went on, as college classes came back on virtually, I quickly began to notice myself and so many of us couldn't focus for shit. My attention span went from roughly an hour and 20 minutes to 15 minutes. My list making, structure-contained self was blasted into the counter: a boundless creative, a chaos monster, someone whose mind was in 82 different places at the same time.

The more I witnessed myself in this energy the more I was convinced of neurodivergence. So I went to the neurologist, described every run of the mill symptom for ADHD that I was genuinely experiencing everyday, got diagnosed with adult on set ADHD and got prescribed Adderall. But me being me, I knew that wasn’t a “cure”. I just needed the western medicine validation to hold me as I dove into my own exploration. 

And over the last 4 years, I dove deeper into meditation, embodiment work, body work and intuitive development than I ever have with the intention just to know myself and to finally accept myself. 

Through this work, I made peace quite quickly with my brain spice. It made a lot of sense looking back at my internal experience as a kid. It validated the black sheep story. It unleashed the inner creative, the inner creator who I had suppressed all throughout college, shined a light on the magic that can be birthed from the artist’s unlinear, sometimes chaotic processes. 

I reshaped the stories of this busy, fragmented mind as being a great, god given gift. I worked with my mind to reel it into the rest of my being, to invite it to be in union with my body and my spirit.

Oh, the many times I sat in meditation with the first ten minutes being paralyzed by mind chatter….

And after dancing with the strong masculine structure, then only the feminine creativity, I worked my way into balance between the two. The work I had done for myself in this realm was a fierce devotion to self, not letting the labels or the victimhood that comes with “being different” take over. 

But back to reflecting on last night…The brain-pour pillow talk between my fiancé and I was really just me expressing the disappointment in my productivity for the night. After doing all of the work around this area of my life, I was still feeling shameful around and victimized by the way my brain works.

Of course more questioning came to be: Was my experience last night simply a lesson to not take a mind altering substance when trying to focus in? LOL Could be.

Or was I being shown the scattered, chaotic energy I’ve been working with subconsciously as I craft my life? Because the casual, yet constant underlying overwhelm I’ve been feeling lately isn’t a coincidence.

And was becoming aware of this the whole point of the night? Like did god straight up say, “silly girl, with your plans for writing. I’m going to show you what really needs your attention”?!

And instead of claiming my funky writing sesh as one or the other, I’m accepting it to be a bit of it all. 

It is yet another invitation to let go of the things that aren’t aligned. 

It is an invitation to visit those good ol’ comparison stories or to maybe commit to a daily meditation practice again.

An invitation to just be a human and let yourself feel weird after you eat half a gummy.

An invitation to trust that god moves through me in a way that doesn’t have to make sense to my own mind or to anyone else’s mind.

An invitation to just write for the sake of writing. 

Not trying to write anything, just letting your essence brush against the paper.

An invitation to choose to hold yourself in love even though judgement wants to peak it’s head in. 

An invitation to practice settling into ones own present moment frequency even though it doesn’t feel like rainbows and butterflies.

So, thats it. Thats my vulnerable, perspective flipping conclusion of a written piece this week. Tune in tomorrow for some juicy black sheep music recommendation!

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